The Precipice of my Life

In the past few days, my life, plans, goals, ambitions, dreams, everything that mattered to me, has been completely and totally ripped apart and it has left me in a complete and total mess.  I know anyone who has been in love, has had their heart broken.  We all think we are special and that we take these breakups harder than anyone else, that our life story is something that no one can ever relate to or even begin to comprehend.  I’m probably the poster child for this and when I say I’m falling apart, I mean haven’t slept in a week, probably lost 10 pounds, constantly feel nauseous and my heart always feels 1 beat away from just giving up…

But somehow I find a way to force it to take one more beat, 1 more step towards, not forgetting or even healing, but maybe just a step towards tomorrow.  All I can think of is finding something to throw myself into to keep myself accountable.  To keep myself alive.  I’ve been on that edge for 6 days now and every time I feel like jumping, I find a way to take a small step back.  And over this past weekend, I have devised a plan.  A plan to keep me alive.  To get back to being happy.  Not that money or being in shape or anything else like that is the key to happiness, but it is something healthy and productive for me to throw myself into.

I leave for England in roughly 6 weeks and have taken my time off to relax and recover from my previous season.  Every day, from now on, there will be a cardio session in the morning, there will be some type of weight workout in the gym mixed with stretching, sauna and hot tub sessions, and every day, I will get better on the court.  I will work every day on improving myself.

And while doing all of this, every evening possible, I will be out knocking on doors, attempting to drum up some business for the roofing company I work for.  Instead of laying in bed every evening feeling sorry for myself, hoping that phone rings, or an email comes in, or anything from my ex during this break or breakup, I will be out doing something for myself.  I need to.  If not, I’m truly afraid of what may happen.

So, every day for the next 6 weeks, I will force myself to make a post on here stating everything I did to take a step in the right direction.  Starting today, June 25, this will be a chronicle of everything it takes to get one’s life back together after hitting absolute rock bottom.

 

Wish me luck…

June 25th, 2012

June 26th, 2012

*Note 6/28/2012:  I have since starting this, not gone according to plan.  Sleepless nights mixed with nightmares of any time I do manage to get some sleep has managed to push me to the breaking point.  I have been struggling more than I can ever describe and have decided I need some time alone.  I am going to keep this blog up until I leave July 9th to take 3 weeks to myself and travel around Vietnam, Thailand and Cambodia.  Do some soul-searching while seeing these countries, unique cultures and completely different lifestyles.  I can only hope this helps, bc if not, I think this trip will be my last attempt at salvation.  Pray it goes well…

July 8th, 2012

Vietnam

4 Comments

  • velo

    1

    Powerful words.

  • drew

    2

    I hope you see this email before you leave on your trip. I think you demand too much of yourself, after all you're only human. Sometimes it's okay TO LET other people to carry the load. This may sound strange but being so TALL, people NATURALLY look up to you which in turn forces you to TRY to be their hero. You only have to be YOU and not TRY to be other people's expectation of YOU. You don't have to travel to the orient to find your spirituality. Like the wizard of oz story you didn't have to be GIVEN the gift of spirituality, you always HAD it. We're put on this earth to improve our little corner of it that GOD gave to us. I think that piece of Earth for you was always your home. And like the wizard oif oz story again, there's no place like home. Just my personal opinion. Drew

  • Marion Love

    3

    “We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.”

  • Sara Kleinfeld

    4

    My heart breaks for yours. When we believe that your lives, heart and soul will go one way and it does not we feel paralyzed. One day, it could be a sun raise, really anything of beauty, and you realize your on another path. Your heart and soul will heal and go in another direction. Life is a roller coaster. I hope you now are in a better place and at peace. You will find another love. Take care.

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