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June 26th, 2012

Today was as rough of a day as I’ve ever had.  Despite a day at 6 Flags with some good friends, my mind never veered far from where I left it last night.  My mind is still in a very bad place and as of now, still have very little hope.  The only thing that has kept me going is this promise to my friend that i will take this trip somewhere in the world to take some time to myself and do some soul-searching and just see how i feel when I get back.

It amazed me tho, that I could not get my mind to clear, to stop thinking about either her, or all of the other issues I’ve been facing… 200 feet suspended in the air about to drop straight down, or the other roller coasters throwing us around at 70 MPH, and my mind was still there.  It just never seems to leave that place… Not sure if it means this was true love and something that I can’t live without, or if it’s something more, or just different.  I just know that my time with her, was the only true time I felt happy… accepted, loved, wanted and needed.

I know I’ve led a great life that most people are envious of, but it’s all based on your perspective… My life is nowhere near what i ever wanted it to be.  I may have done a lot, and definitely seen a lot, but… I still see myself as a total failure in almost every regard.

I’m going to try and see what all comes with this time traveling and possible see a therapist, but as of now… My mind is still set…

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