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6/25/2012

Today has been the absolute hardest day of my life and feel short of the goals I set for myself today.  The stress and prospect of doing a few things to try and remind Hannah of how much she means, and then having the fall apart before they came to fruition, it was enough for me to just completely collapse.

Had a total breakdown this morning just because I couldn’t find a single sheet of paper for a job I needed to bid.  Totally snapped.  Finally got it together and figured out what I needed to.  Went back to those errands and kept myself busy with hope.  As I made it to the gym, I ran into a friend and had a long talk with him while barely keeping it together.  Attempted my workout, but given my emotional and physical exhaustion, had to stop halfway through.

Came home to attempt to work on things again, but… Got the final decision that there will never be an “us” again.  Amazingly, there were no tears, no yelling, no anger, absolutely and totally, no nothing. And so began a descent I didn’t know was possible from rock bottom.  And there I sat for a while.  I spoke with my father, a plethora of friends from around the world and remained numb the entire time to anything involving life or hope and felt that I couldn’t go on.  Even spoke with everyone about giving up, or that I had given up.  When you know you’ve given up on life and have no fight left… It was a surprisingly nirvana experience.  Pretty much the exact opposite of how I thought having no hope would be.

And as much I appreciated listening to everyone reach out and try and help, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart, they just did nothing for me.  1 friend tho, 1 friend who knows me better than anyone in my life… Reached out to yell, and obviously help.  And I actually listened.  And felt better.  Not good or anywhere remotely close to being off the floor of misery and I sunk myself into, but still, for the first time, there was a glimmer of hope.

And we’ve decided I need some time to myself, and luckily she is able to help with that.  So I will be leaving the county for about 2 weeks to spend some time alone and just focus on myself and see the world.  No clue where yet, but I should know within 24 hours.  I know a lot of yall are worried about me, and again, you have no idea how much I’ve appreciated all of this love and support, but just know that you won’t be hearing from me for a while, at least once I leave.

I have some things scheduled with my father and friends tomorrow and have even agreed to attend church with my friend and his family.  And, after seeing the state I’m in when I get back, I’ve promised if I need to, I will start attending church and some type of therapy and see if it helps.  I’ll give it 30 days and see.  But, all depends on how this trip of self-exploration and soul-searching goes.

Thank you again for everything from everyone, and hopefully I can see yall when I get back, and in a much better frame of mind than I am now…

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